How to Handle Difficult People

Whether it’s family, friends, or even strangers on the street. People can be difficult, and unfortunately that’s something we all must deal with at times. It’s not easy, but there are some simple rules we can use to handle difficult people and circumstances.

Rule #1: Understand what we can control

First, we must recognize and understand what we can and cannot control. For example, we cannot control what other people think, say, or do. Yes, we can try to influence those things, but ultimately we cannot control them. This boils down to controlling ourselves, not others.

Rule #2: Act how we want others to behave

Second, we must act how we want others to behave. “Act” deserves emphasis because sometimes we must say or do things we don’t like, yet we must do them in a convincing manner in order to be effective. Leading by example, even when we don’t want to.

Rule #3: Know when to walk away

Third, we must know when to walk away. Some people or circumstances just can’t be mended, or at least not at that present moment. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all.

An example named Mike

Let’s consider an example to explore how to apply these simple rules. Imagine we know someone named Mike who makes an offensive comment that seems to be at our expense.

Our instinct may be to lash out and offend in kind. But instead of succumbing to a visceral reaction, pause, give benefit of the doubt, and consider how our actions will affect the situation.

True, Mike could be insulting us. But it’s also possible the comment was taken out of context or not directed at us. Either way, we must recognize we cannot control what Mike says or does.

We can only control how we react (Rule #1). Would it help to respond with an insult or otherwise lash out at Mike? No, that would likely provoke an offensive reaction and escalate the situation further.

Instead, we could chose to deescalate the situation with a controlled response (Rule #2). For example, calmly state “I’m sorry if I offended you, I didn’t mean to. Are you feeling okay?” Addressing the situation shows you are aware of what’s happening and not intimidated by it.

At the same time, offering an apology and inquiring about Mike’s well-being shows kindness and concern. That appeals to most peoples’ natural sense of decency. It feels wrong, if not awkward, to be mean to someone who is being nice.

Whether Mike was testing us, cracking a bad joke, or picking a fight, our response is probably unexpected and will startle Mike into needing to clarify his comments. He could very well apologize in return, in which case we smile and move on.

Of course, some people are just looking for problems. So, it’s important to be alert and aware. If Mike becomes more aggressive and confrontational despite our efforts to deescalate, then we should recognize he may not be thinking rationally and that the situation may get worse on its current course.

In that case, the best thing to do may be to change course and just remove ourselves from the situation (Rule #3). Calmly state, “Again, I’m sorry if I offended you. Please excuse me” and just walk away (keeping one eye on crazy Mike).

These simple steps are easier said than done. Pride and ego can get in the way of calm and rational thought. Some people believe that apologizing or walking away is a sign of weakness, and we should always stand our ground and not allow an offense to go unreciprocated. Justice is an eye for an eye!

But if we escalate and Mike does not back down, then the situation boils over and possibly spills into a physical altercation where someone gets hurt, or even worse. Then come the police, criminal charges, and possible jail time with civil lawsuits to boot.

An avoidable and foolish situation like that could ruin not only our lives, but those of our loved ones and those who depend on us. Is that really worth standing our ground to feed our pride and ego?

Maybe it is to people with nothing to better to lose. But most of us have more important things in life than wasting time trying to make a bad example out of some jackass named Mike!

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HWL